On NOT Moving On

So it's been almost two years from the recent breakup. RECENT? Not so. To be exact it has been one year and eight months since Robbie and I broke up. That night is still clear to me like it happened yesterday. I was drunk and frustrated about him. Our relationship was on rocks... or at least that was what I felt. I was not even sure then about the love he confessed to me before we became a couple. Don't get me wrong. I knew he loved me. He let be his first top, if that could be the basis of real love... But on our third month everyhting took a drastic U-turn. I was not prepared for what would happen. And then one night while I was out with my officemates getting drunk at now non-existent Top and Table in Eastwood, I told what I truly feel. There's something about being drunk that I like. You can say anything without thinking. No inhibitions. No taking back. The message slipped out of my phone like grains on of sand on my fingers. It finally materialized. What I wanted to tell him for weeks came out in just one short message: "This is not working out for me anymore. I think we need to call it off." Or something to that effect. The reply came quick. "If that's what you want."

I was devastated. Those words struck me like a lightning on my chest. "More beer!?" I suddenly told my friends. But I did not cry. I was not the type who cry over ended relationships. I was over that. My first bf taught me real good on how breaking up should be. That relationship ended without any closure. Closure came a year after. But that didn;t do anything good either. It only made me miss him more.

I came home drunk that night...or day. I checked my phone but there's no message from him. I didn't even know how I was able to sleep that night.

The following day I called him begging him to come back telling him excuses like "I love you and I didn't mean to that" "I take it back, can we still be boyfriends still?" and more. But he didn't budge. He stuck to what I said that I broke up with him. Weeks and weeks of begging and unbearable agony came after. And still now, I can't replace him with anyone else. It seems he has occupied my whole heart and left no space for another love.

"I choose not to move on" That is was I tell anyone who asks me why I haven't moved on and why I still have no boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of guys asking me out. From text mates to those I meet in Palawan. But all I could do is tell them fake "I love you's" just to take them to bed... mine or theirs.