02 November 2007

On NOT Moving On

So it's been almost two years from the recent breakup. RECENT? Not so. To be exact it has been one year and eight months since Robbie and I broke up. That night is still clear to me like it happened yesterday. I was drunk and frustrated about him. Our relationship was on rocks... or at least that was what I felt. I was not even sure then about the love he confessed to me before we became a couple. Don't get me wrong. I knew he loved me. He let be his first top, if that could be the basis of real love... But on our third month everyhting took a drastic U-turn. I was not prepared for what would happen. And then one night while I was out with my officemates getting drunk at now non-existent Top and Table in Eastwood, I told what I truly feel. There's something about being drunk that I like. You can say anything without thinking. No inhibitions. No taking back. The message slipped out of my phone like grains on of sand on my fingers. It finally materialized. What I wanted to tell him for weeks came out in just one short message: "This is not working out for me anymore. I think we need to call it off." Or something to that effect. The reply came quick. "If that's what you want."

I was devastated. Those words struck me like a lightning on my chest. "More beer!?" I suddenly told my friends. But I did not cry. I was not the type who cry over ended relationships. I was over that. My first bf taught me real good on how breaking up should be. That relationship ended without any closure. Closure came a year after. But that didn;t do anything good either. It only made me miss him more.

I came home drunk that night...or day. I checked my phone but there's no message from him. I didn't even know how I was able to sleep that night.

The following day I called him begging him to come back telling him excuses like "I love you and I didn't mean to that" "I take it back, can we still be boyfriends still?" and more. But he didn't budge. He stuck to what I said that I broke up with him. Weeks and weeks of begging and unbearable agony came after. And still now, I can't replace him with anyone else. It seems he has occupied my whole heart and left no space for another love.

"I choose not to move on" That is was I tell anyone who asks me why I haven't moved on and why I still have no boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of guys asking me out. From text mates to those I meet in Palawan. But all I could do is tell them fake "I love you's" just to take them to bed... mine or theirs.

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2 Comments:

  • aawww, you'll sure move on eventually brew. i'll pray for you :)

    By Blogger *eLLe*, at 11:07 PM  

  • Well, moving on cannot be forced anyway. Take your time but be firm with whatever decision you'll make. :-)

    By Anonymous Prudence, at 1:18 PM  

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2010 - Wow! I can't believe this blog is already 4 years old! I would like to thank everyone has been so nice to me and my blog. I am really happy that there are people out there who can relate to my life.

January 24, 2010 - I met this guy online who inspired me to write/blog again. To Sal, thank you for the inspiration. I owe you one.

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I am a frustrated artist who finds refuge in bitterness and solitude. Angst is what I speak and love is what I hide. I never want to be seen naked for in nakedness there is truth and truth I am afraid of. Reality never seems to be fair, life in fact is iniquitous.


I like to put up a facade like a masked man in a party. I like to exude and air of mystery and fear. For in fear I earn respect and respect I treasure.

I like to play God once in a while, controlling the people who surround me. I love to twist emotions and bring out the insides.

I have found love but it left me suddenly for reasons until now I do not understand. He pierced right through everything that is me and left a broken arrow in my heart. But I let that happen because I loved him so sincerely. If there was a time I really loved someone, it would be that time. He rocked my world; sadly, he rocked me to my death.

 


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