02 June 2006

The Thing With Falling InLove is…

The thing with falling in love is that it just happens. It is something beyond your control. You see him and then you start talking to him and then you fall. You do not realize it first. You become friends, watch movies together, have coffee and eat dinner with him. Then your friends start asking what it is between the two of you and you simply say the overused phrase we-are-just-friends-period. But then he starts dating some other guy. You know you should be supportive, be happy for him, give him sound advices and you do. Actually you try. Then a tinge of pain comes out from within. Your hands become sweaty, your heart beats faster and the lines on your face appears. You fell uncomfortable joining him in his happiness. Happiness that you feel you should be part of. Then you feel guilty for being so selfish. You are just friends anyway, you tell yourself. But somehow it is so hard to accept. Then a friend slaps you with reality saying you are in love. You retaliate by saying it is impossible but deep down you start believing. Yes, you are inlove. And there’s no getting out.

Then without asking, you drift away from him, not returning his phone calls, not showing up on your regular coffee dates. You begin to be tired or busy with work but you know its all stories. Stories you made up just to avoid him for you know you’d get hurt.

You know you should tell him the truth but you begin to have reservations. You know he’s happy with the other guy and it would be stupid to ruin that by confessing your love for him. Then you try to direct your attention to someone else, trying so desperately to escape the fact that your heart cries him. But you don’t listen to those cries, in fact you have sex with other men just to prove to yourself you can move on, that what you feel is just jealousy because his attention is not yours anymore. You convince yourself that it’s not love. Then you have more sex with strangers, even trying to be in a relationship with one of them. But the relationship fails because your heart is not there. Your heart won’t cooperate. It has its own mind. It is uncontrollable.

And then waste your life in bottles after bottles of beer. You go to Malate alone during your days off. You get drunk and go home with some guy you met at the dancefloor. Then you have sex with him and leave his pad in the morning and then you realize he is not your type. But you were too drunk to even care the night before.

Then one day you wake up wondering what you are doing with your life. You start seeking for help. Then after work you unknowingly pass by a church. You are hesitant to enter at first but still you do. You sit in one corner and face the edifce hanging on the wall. It is a wooden thing they call Jesus. You notice tears falling from your eyes. You let it. The feeling is overwhelming that you just let it flow like a bag of water which is suddenly released. You start to kneel and speak. You are talking to that edifice, asking for answers, questioning the world, questioning your entire being. After hours and hours of crying, talking to nobody, you suddenly feel lighter. Your burden suddenly disappears and then you notice it is already lunch time. Then you stand up and start to make your way out the church. The sun is up and your eyes are still wet from crying. Then you try to reach to your pocket for a hanky. You wipe your eyes with it and started heading for the road.

While you are fixing yourself, you hear a screech of a fast running car. You try to run away from it but it is too late. The next thing you know, you are dead. The news the following day contains a picture of your unrecognizable lifeless body on the frontpage, your face covered with a piece of newspaper while people are feasting around it.

And then he reads the newspaper. He knows about what happened to you. Then he starts crying. If only he told you how he really felt for you, that the guy he was “dating” was just his friend, that he was just dating him to make the guy’s exboyfriend jealous. He didn’t tell you this because he knew you’d think it’s ridiculous, that you would make fun of him. When he finally decided to tell you the truth, you are already gone. He feels betrayed by you but he loves you that much to get mad. Then he blames himself for what happened to you. If only he was honest. He cannot take the guilt and one night while drunk, he jumped off from a building. Dead.

34 Comments:

  • You are just friends anyway, you tell yourself. But somehow it is so hard to accept. Then a friend slaps you with reality saying you are in love. You retaliate by saying it is impossible but deep down you start believing. Yes, you are inlove. And there’s no getting out.

    Hit me like a bullet through the heart. You have made this post ever soo nicely brewie bro. Kudos to you, my favorite post soo far after the 3 parts of the loves of you love lives. :)

    Love yahh, hope you'll feel better.

    woot! first one to comment! :)

    By Blogger juice is justine, at 3:02 AM  

  • the thing about falling in love is that it gives me a HEADACHE!

    hayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    cno kya makapagbibigay skin ng true love?

    ung tipong di ako mapakali kakaisip sa kanya, namiss ko na ung ganung feeling

    hayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

    By Blogger turismoboi, at 4:03 AM  

  • You nailed it, Brew!

    Hay, ang love nga naman...a source of so much happiness and misery.

    By Blogger Tess Termulo, at 9:26 AM  

  • an allegory?

    pleasant story-telling...
    kudos!

    By Blogger Bryan Anthony the First, at 9:59 AM  

  • The trouble with love is
    It can tear you up inside
    Make your heart believe a lie
    It's stronger than your pride

    The trouble with love is
    It doesn't care how fast you fall
    And you can't refuse the call
    See, you got no say at all

    By Blogger Rob a.k.a Bim, at 10:56 AM  

  • dang bim, that hit me like an AK through the heart. you guys are killing me man, seriously. hahaha..

    By Blogger juice is justine, at 12:13 PM  

  • very nice. VERY. *tear*

    By Blogger whitewatcher, at 1:25 PM  

  • ...

    at least it's over...

    ...

    galing...

    :)

    By Blogger disbloggerread, at 2:27 PM  

  • @ justine - wow! u made it to the most coveted spot as the first comment. wahehehe...

    thanks fo rthe regular visits... mwah!

    @ turismoboi - headache huh? wahehehe... baka ako na yung true love mo... wahehehe...

    ako din namimiss ko na yung ganoong feeling... hayyy...

    @ tess termulo - pain and misery... i agree...

    @ bryan anthony the first - hahaha... im not sure...

    @ bim aka rob - nice one rob...

    Make your heart believe a lie -- TRUE!!!
    @ grey pilgrim - new name. thanks for the visit. sorry if i made u shed a tear. let me wipe that...
    @ disbloggerread - hahaha. happy birthday. it was nice seeing u kanina. next time movie naman...

    yeah, it was OVER!

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 2:47 PM  

  • Like when you look into his eyes and you can get lost in it and BAM! You're falling without even knowing it.

    By Blogger ~*galenlondeien*~, at 3:26 PM  

  • @ ~*galenlondeien*~ -- i totally agree... hayyy...

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 3:27 PM  

  • *_*;;;;;; tragic!! *sob*

    good thing its over :(

    By Anonymous riz, at 3:35 PM  

  • nakalimutan ko... magaling ka palang manunulat brew! *palakpak*

    By Blogger Rob a.k.a Bim, at 3:37 PM  

  • @ riz - it's fiction. wahehehe...

    @ bim - thanks... wahehehe... di naman ako magaling...

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 4:11 PM  

  • *clap clap* Galing galing! Love it. :)

    By Blogger beabeabea, at 4:49 PM  

  • yeah... according to him: they-are-just-friends-period. so what does this mean?! hahaha!

    bagay ba sa akin ang kulot?!

    By Blogger lucerodelara, at 6:09 PM  

  • @ bea+you - thanks pow...

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 6:09 PM  

  • yey last to comment the most ostracized one! hehe! hey thanks for dropping by sa Tabulas. i already made a blogspot cross post of my joournal from Tabs.
    Nice story! from your experience? except that you lived after jumping off. atleast you didnt go to the bright light, noh not yet! i want to read more brew posts. hehe!
    i tried to relate your previos post and this one, hmm... i thought youve moved on? no need for rebound, just enjoy life being single first.
    is your ym id: shoplifter23? i hope to chat widdya sometime! :))

    By Blogger Earth, at 6:34 PM  

  • @ earth - hahha. thanks a lot dre. and nope, this is just fiction. i wudnt be so stupid to jump off a bldg. i love my life pa naman... :þ

    yep, shoplifter23 is my YM id. weird noh? peo may story siya. hmmm... might post sumtin about it soon. now u gave me an idea. wahehehe... hope to chat with you too...

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 6:44 PM  

  • love is...
    ...sometimes

    barbarous
    brutal
    cruel
    dreadful
    ferocious
    horrible
    terrible
    unkind

    By Blogger mouse, at 6:53 PM  

  • @ mouse - love is and is not. wahehehe...

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 7:08 PM  

  • hey ive just added you sa YM! hehe!
    me too im gonna write something about moi YM ID sounds fun! wehehe!

    By Blogger Earth, at 8:15 PM  

  • awtsss,

    By Anonymous jami, at 11:23 PM  

  • @ earth - cge chat tayo one of these days... hahaha. at post tayo about our YM ids. fun yun!

    @ jami - thanks for dropping by. mwah!

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 12:00 AM  

  • so sad... well that's life

    By Blogger Chas Ravndal, at 1:38 AM  

  • *sings along Foolish Heart* -->nge? haha.

    anyway, keep it steady :D

    By Blogger beans, at 2:33 PM  

  • grabe... love does great things to a person tlga... khit pa fiction to, i can sense na may inspiration... grabe... kung di ko binasa yung ibang comments, i would've thought na di to fiction... ehe... nice job!

    By Blogger gimickero, at 4:03 PM  

  • "The thing with falling in love is that it just happens. It is something beyond your control. You see him and then you start talking to him and then you fall. You do not realize it first. You become friends, watch movies together, have coffee and eat dinner with him."

    - A quote from your post explaining how love works. Painfully correct, yet so so true...

    By Blogger Jigs, at 4:54 PM  

  • Napaka-sad naman nung ending. Wala bang alternate ending sa iyong story?

    By Blogger Jhed, at 5:34 PM  

  • i can relate in a way (and no, i haven't been in love).. well, except for the sex part! lol! wow. love is so crazy.

    *love the story

    By Blogger cars, at 9:14 PM  

  • AYAW ko nito. AYAW ko na mag-isip, lately.

    ditto on the love is crazy. BUT.

    people are crazy, too. so...

    wahehehe.

    By Blogger adi, at 11:19 PM  

  • lalim ha.

    sobra. binasa ko buo.

    wala lang. dumaan.

    nagpakamatay? suicide? nice word.

    By Blogger utakgago, at 11:51 PM  

  • i m crying while im reading ur post...sad sad sad. :(

    By Blogger guitar_kidd, at 2:08 AM  

  • @ chas ravndal - yeah THAT IS LIFE!

    @ beans - hear me calling... sad nga...

    @ gimickero - good thing its fiction. i dun want naman seeing people dead. wahehehe...

    @ jigs - yeah, painfully...

    @ jhed - alternate? hmmm... wala na ako maisip eh. gusto kasi tragic. bwahahaha...

    @ cars - hahaha... sex is sooo cool!

    @ erik - yeah, people are crazy... they really are!

    @ kevin - tyaga mo ah. haba kaya nung post

    @ guitar_kidd - di nga? umiyak ka? sowee po. anyways, di ka reply sa text ko... sad :'(

    By Blogger /iambrew, at 7:20 PM  

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Location: Quezon City, Philippines

2010 - Wow! I can't believe this blog is already 4 years old! I would like to thank everyone has been so nice to me and my blog. I am really happy that there are people out there who can relate to my life.

January 24, 2010 - I met this guy online who inspired me to write/blog again. To Sal, thank you for the inspiration. I owe you one.

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I am a frustrated artist who finds refuge in bitterness and solitude. Angst is what I speak and love is what I hide. I never want to be seen naked for in nakedness there is truth and truth I am afraid of. Reality never seems to be fair, life in fact is iniquitous.


I like to put up a facade like a masked man in a party. I like to exude and air of mystery and fear. For in fear I earn respect and respect I treasure.

I like to play God once in a while, controlling the people who surround me. I love to twist emotions and bring out the insides.

I have found love but it left me suddenly for reasons until now I do not understand. He pierced right through everything that is me and left a broken arrow in my heart. But I let that happen because I loved him so sincerely. If there was a time I really loved someone, it would be that time. He rocked my world; sadly, he rocked me to my death.

 


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