03 March 2006

After Three Bottles of Strong Ice
Another Realization

I think I am drunk. I just got home from work. Right after getting off from work Joppee and I decided we didn’t want to go home yet so we went to Something Fishy (a bar in Eastwood right outside the building) and get ourselves something to drink. We ended up talking about relationships, family, frustrations and a lot of other stuff. It almost made me cry. But knowing myself, it will take a lot more than three bottles of beer to burst into tears and flood the place. We dominantly talked about her and how her new guy named Jeff changed her life and affects her in so many ways than one.

Before that while at work I felt really empty and lonely when Mau (another officemate) talked about Ryan and how we broke up. And then after she left to transfer to another work station near her supervisor, I suddenly remembered to erase Robbie’s phone number still saved in one of my documents in my computer. Now there’d no trace of him but only in my heart and my mind. I still can’t figure out the reason why I shed tears earlier while staring longingly at my computer. One thing’s for sure though, I miss being wanted, being longed for, being loved. Of course, my friends are there and I should be happy because I have a family who truly loves me and care for me. Am I being selfish? Am I thinking so much of what will make me really feel happy discounting the fact that there are so many people (family and friends) who are there for me? Honestly I feel guilty.



I so want to just disappear and look at everyone I care for from a distance and see what they’re all doing. The guys I have loved and the same guys who left me for whatever reason. I want to check how they’re doing without me in their lives. Are they happier? Do they miss me or even remember me. I guess not. Well, I know the answer is no. They don’t remember me. They don’t miss me.

I don’t want to cry right now. It seems that I have shed more than enough. But the question still remains. Did I really shed enough tears? Have I cried enough to make me realize I am worth nothing to anybody but my friends and my family? I don’t know I guess I will never know.

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2010 - Wow! I can't believe this blog is already 4 years old! I would like to thank everyone has been so nice to me and my blog. I am really happy that there are people out there who can relate to my life.

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I am a frustrated artist who finds refuge in bitterness and solitude. Angst is what I speak and love is what I hide. I never want to be seen naked for in nakedness there is truth and truth I am afraid of. Reality never seems to be fair, life in fact is iniquitous.


I like to put up a facade like a masked man in a party. I like to exude and air of mystery and fear. For in fear I earn respect and respect I treasure.

I like to play God once in a while, controlling the people who surround me. I love to twist emotions and bring out the insides.

I have found love but it left me suddenly for reasons until now I do not understand. He pierced right through everything that is me and left a broken arrow in my heart. But I let that happen because I loved him so sincerely. If there was a time I really loved someone, it would be that time. He rocked my world; sadly, he rocked me to my death.

 


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