30 March 2006

Laundry and Joppee's Operation

Got home around 4am earlier. Work has been the same as usual. Had around 20 calls--more than usual.

Doing my laundry now--lots of them. Thank God for washing machines. It's so much easier. All you have to do is wait for the machine to finish it's thing and booom! you are done!!!

Having a glass of Coke right now. Nobody especial texted me today.

And oh before I forget, Joppee's operation is done. From what I heard, she came home yesterday. She's upset at me because I didn't text her and ask her how she was doing when she was in Medical City. I apologized telling her I had no phone credits. She also got mad when I told her I'll be in Galera this weekend. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me. I miss her though. Hayyy...

Washing machine's done. Gotta go now. See yah later!

29 March 2006

Can't Wait For FRIDAY!

Today is Wednesday. I can't wait for Friday to come. For two reasons: (1) I am going to Puerto Galera (my second time) with Aphol and probably with Robbie (my ex), and (2) I will be getting my tax refund worth almost Php 10,000 with my salary.

White Beach, Puerto Galera
Whooow! I will be going to Galera again for the second time. And guess who's gonna be with me? Hahaha... Aphol--the girl I was with during my first time there. I have also invited Robbie to join us and I am hoping that we'd get back together (really hoping). Ryan is also coming. I was introduced to Ryan by Steph (I call her Otap). He belongs from another program and we've met only once though we talk a lot through email at work. He will be leaving Manila on Saturday and catch up with us in White Beach because he has work on Friday.

Cairo Sighting: none. Though he texted me a couple of days back asking how I have been. I simply said I was doing fine. I didn't dwell on it too much. I know he doesn't really care.

Robbie Sighting: none though he too texted me a couple of days back thus the invitation to Galera.

26 March 2006

Nothing Special

Just got home from work. It's my off later (Sunday) and I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I'll go out for coffee or something--alone as always.

Oh well, come what may tomorrow. I'll do my laundry first. Lots of them.

14 March 2006

Mapopokpok Na Lang Akoh!?@^

I have come to a great realization-the biggest this year. Relationships ain’t for me. Cairo, Robbie and the rest of the people I have loved proved it. Magpopokpok na lang ako. It’s less complicated. I remember one profile I read a couple of days back. It said, Why choose a life of complications when you can have it simple?

10 March 2006


Question: Why do I always end up the loser?
Answer: Simply because I am.

08 March 2006

Weekend With Cario (Period)

Last weekend was the happiest of my life. Khalel was mine and nobody else's. It almost felt he were my bf. We even went to mass together at Metropolitan Christian Chruch Philippines (MCC) and had dinner at Rockwell.

I thought it was for real. I thought that it would never end. Well like always, I was wrong. So I am giving it up. It seems that he will never ever love me the way I would have wanted him to.
So there, again, I am slowly moving on from him and from everyone and everything else. I will be happy. I must be happy.

Btw, Robbie texted me yesterday. He said hi. I called him and found out that he finally went home. I thank God my prayers were answered. he finally came to his senses. He probably has someone else right now. I just hope he's happy and okay. I guess that is all I can ask for after I left him at his lowest. I will forever be guilty for that.

05 March 2006

Edsa Shrine and Cairo
I think I am in love

Edsa Shrine. Under the statue is actually a church.

I attended mass today at Edsa Shrine with Aphol and Joppee. I felt so stupid inside the church. I didn’t know how to respond to what the priest was saying. There were just so many rituals that I didn’t think were important. It was like seeing a theatre production—to many introductions. First, we sat there for like 30minutes while the choir sings these five-line-lyric songs over and over while waiting for the actual mass. I could not even talk to my friends. They were like so into it. All of a sudden (I think the mass was starting at this point) in the isle of the church, out of nowhere, these people wearing white came parading to the altar, kneeling in front of the glass crucifix hanging on the big wall. After a very long prayer for the priests around the world, the priest residing splashes water (was it holy water?) all over the place and to people. My face was literally wet and I couldn’t even wipe it because I thought it would be an insult to the poor guy. Oh well, so much for hearing mass. I think the mass was about repentance. That is all I can remember.

Anyway, enough of that. After the mass we went to Robinson’s Galleria just in front of the church to have dinner. After debating where we would eat (first at Chef de Angelo and then Ministop, then Jollibee) we ended up eating at KFC. I got myself a box of Hotshots.

My angel... Only, it's not exclusive... ;'(

I texted Cairo if he had plans tonight and he said no. I invited him to meet me. The plan was to meet at Bo’s Coffee Club in SM North (like yesterday) after his work. That got me so excited that Joppee reminded me about the favor I asked her before. I asked her to make sure I don’t fall in love and have a boyfriend ever again. I remember telling her gusto ko lang kiligin. And Cairo sure was making my day.

He arrived at Bo’s just a little after 10pm. My coffee was half-empty and I’ve done around four sticks of cigarette. He was wearing a cute little blue shirt and jeans which made him so attractive. Not that he ain’t if he wasn’t wearing that. He got me a red iced tea which tasted so sweet I didn’t finish it and he got himself some frap. Bo’s closed and I invited him to Malate. He said he’s tired and he needed to sleep. I insisted and hoped he’d change his mind. But he won’t budge. According to him, he shows up in Malate just once a week. I told him we could go somewhere else but we didn’t know where. So he finally decided head go home. He did with my blue cap from Human around a little past midnight.

Now we are texting:

Me: Forgot to say thanks for the coffee. Thank you.
Him: Please go home na…
Him: Aian,
forgot to return ur cap im sori…
Me: Its aight.u cn keep
Me: Dun wori abt it. I just have a question.
Him: Wat?
Me: Do u lyk me? (more than
friends) be honest Khalel.
Him: I wont be contacting u or
bother other people to get ur number wenever I lost ur number if I dont.
Me: Then why dun u show it when wer together?
Him: Believe me I am showing it, d mu lng napapansin…
Me: Do u love me?
Him: What is love
Me: I dunno wt love is exactly.u fil it.do u fil it?
Him: Answer my query first. Btw, san k nb?

Me: Is that another way of saying no?
Him: I feel sumthing but I wanna make sure.
Me: You have doubts?
Him: On my
heartbeat, yes.
Me: I want to expect but im afraid to get
hurt. I love u Cairo for whatever that means for you.
(long pause)
Me: Asleep?

And then there was silence. But this post needs to be published. I am still waiting for a reply though.

04 March 2006

Cairo Had a Date
It ain't me

I finally met Cairo (website) for the second time. We had a long overdue coffee last night at Bo’s Coffee Club in SM North Edsa after his work. It was nice seeing him and he told me about his ex boyfriends and his three jobs. Imagine that. Cairo has three jobs.

He had a date with a lawyer guy so after the coffee we headed to Malate where his date was waiting. I think they met at Starbucks. We parted ways when we got there. I stayed at Rainbow Project near Bed, ordered myself a plate of sisig and a bottle of strong ice.

After around two hours and several bottles of beer and the plate almost empty, Cairo showed up with his date—a so-so date. Cairo seemed to enjoy his date so I stayed a few inches away from his body. I didn’t want his date having the impression that I was stealing his date away from him (which I should have done thinking of it now).

After a couple more beers, I became a little bit braver that I begun hugging him and giving him kisses on his arms and his back. And I kissed him on the lips when he moved his head closer to me. I was stunned on what I did but I think he didn’t mind it. I so want to kiss him more and hugged tighter but I am afraid he’d not like it. We were having fun nonetheless. It was so perfect a date. Except that I was not his legal date.

After a while, Cairo wanted to leave. I think he was a bit mad because his date got busy with another guy—his friend—that he met there. So we decided we’d go home. We said our goodbyes and headed on our way. I was not sure if he wanted to go some place else with me or he really wanted to go home and rest. I really hoped that we’d have more time together. But I thought he was tired so chose to believe the latter.

I will never forget what happened last night. I realized that I still have the same feelings for him as I did before. It didn’t falter. I also realized that he’s not interested, that he’s just there as a friend. I so want to protest but it’s not like I have any chance of winning. Now I am trying to move on—as always.

03 March 2006

After Three Bottles of Strong Ice
Another Realization

I think I am drunk. I just got home from work. Right after getting off from work Joppee and I decided we didn’t want to go home yet so we went to Something Fishy (a bar in Eastwood right outside the building) and get ourselves something to drink. We ended up talking about relationships, family, frustrations and a lot of other stuff. It almost made me cry. But knowing myself, it will take a lot more than three bottles of beer to burst into tears and flood the place. We dominantly talked about her and how her new guy named Jeff changed her life and affects her in so many ways than one.

Before that while at work I felt really empty and lonely when Mau (another officemate) talked about Ryan and how we broke up. And then after she left to transfer to another work station near her supervisor, I suddenly remembered to erase Robbie’s phone number still saved in one of my documents in my computer. Now there’d no trace of him but only in my heart and my mind. I still can’t figure out the reason why I shed tears earlier while staring longingly at my computer. One thing’s for sure though, I miss being wanted, being longed for, being loved. Of course, my friends are there and I should be happy because I have a family who truly loves me and care for me. Am I being selfish? Am I thinking so much of what will make me really feel happy discounting the fact that there are so many people (family and friends) who are there for me? Honestly I feel guilty.

I so want to just disappear and look at everyone I care for from a distance and see what they’re all doing. The guys I have loved and the same guys who left me for whatever reason. I want to check how they’re doing without me in their lives. Are they happier? Do they miss me or even remember me. I guess not. Well, I know the answer is no. They don’t remember me. They don’t miss me.

I don’t want to cry right now. It seems that I have shed more than enough. But the question still remains. Did I really shed enough tears? Have I cried enough to make me realize I am worth nothing to anybody but my friends and my family? I don’t know I guess I will never know.

01 March 2006


Flash Report:
OMG! An earthquake just happened. It was about 20 seconds. Scary! And Melvin is convincing everyone that we are just experiencing a mass hallucination. Whoowah! I still can’t get over what just happened. Argh! Suddenly I was thinking I was gonna die. Now everyone’s talking about there earthquake experiences.

Puerto Galera
The Place to be This Summer

I just realized. I forgot to write the Puerto Galera vacation I had last Feb 17-19 with Aphol. The trip was unbelievably fun and great! It was my first time in Galera and I totally enjoyed every minute of it. The boat ride was a bummer though but as soon as i stepped out of the boat to the island it was both relief and excitement. Here are some photos of the trip courtesy of Aphol. Feast your eyes people!

On the bus to Batangas Port

In Batangas Port Terminal waiting for the boat

On the boat. Really scared right now of the really big waves. Does it show?

White Beach Puerto Galera

I got myself a cute li'l henna tattoo just beneath my nape on the first day that we arrived.

Enjoying our last day in Puerto Galera

Enjoying the afternoon

Basking in the sun

I am burnt. Hahaha. Ü

I definitely had the time of my life there. Ain't it obvious? Might be going back next month. Anyways, I got to sleep. it's already 6:41am and I've been editing this blog since I came home earlier around 2:30am. I still have work at 4pm.
See you next time!

Work and Something Else

Work today was not as heavy as the past few days were. I just had four calls (not like I exceed 20 calls in a day or anything) and mostly spamming forwarded email to my friends and creating surveys and stuff. Joppee and I were laughing the whole shift like nothing mattered. In short, I enjoyed my shift today.

Remember I had invited Troll for coffee the other day? Well I changed my mind and said that I was not going anymore. Mark (another gay officemate) apparently wanted to invite him out as well that was mainly the reason for the change of heart. He actually still had a hang over from watching Brokeback Mountain and envisioned Troll to be Heath Ledger and he Jake Gyllenhaal. He even said that he wanted to bring Troll to the same mountain. As if. Well, let his imagination fly him there I guess. Troll is now off-limits. And to think I was beginning to like him.

Otap, real name is Steph (gave her that nick when she gave me otap), wants me to start dating other guys. I readily said no but she insisted that it might be nice to date his friend’s friend Ryan (again?). I am beginning to have a phobia against guys named Ryan and Marvin. They are starting to be coined as heartbreakers. No offense to those guys though. This is more of a personal vendetta. But I said yes eventually. I am not keeping my hopes high though. It’s still 6th feet under.

Anyway, I am going to wake up early later (around 8am) so I could send money home. My siblings there need it for school. It’s not like I have a choice. And I know how tight my parents’ budget is. I wish there was a way for me to put up a business or something just to make ends meet. I wish I’ll wake up tomorrow on a bed of millions of cash. Poor me.

All Rights Reserved March 2007
All images and designs are my property unless stated otherwise.

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Location: Quezon City, Philippines

2010 - Wow! I can't believe this blog is already 4 years old! I would like to thank everyone has been so nice to me and my blog. I am really happy that there are people out there who can relate to my life.

January 24, 2010 - I met this guy online who inspired me to write/blog again. To Sal, thank you for the inspiration. I owe you one.

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I am a frustrated artist who finds refuge in bitterness and solitude. Angst is what I speak and love is what I hide. I never want to be seen naked for in nakedness there is truth and truth I am afraid of. Reality never seems to be fair, life in fact is iniquitous.

I like to put up a facade like a masked man in a party. I like to exude and air of mystery and fear. For in fear I earn respect and respect I treasure.

I like to play God once in a while, controlling the people who surround me. I love to twist emotions and bring out the insides.

I have found love but it left me suddenly for reasons until now I do not understand. He pierced right through everything that is me and left a broken arrow in my heart. But I let that happen because I loved him so sincerely. If there was a time I really loved someone, it would be that time. He rocked my world; sadly, he rocked me to my death.


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